The Spinster Sister

I have spent the better part of a year being extremely angry that my younger sister was getting married first.  Maybe you think that's completely stupid and totally petty of me, and maybe you're right.  But, before you judge me, hear me out.  I know that this isn't the antebellum South, that most people think spinsters and old maids no longer exist and that birth order often plays no role in the order in which siblings get married.  If that is so, though, why haven't they renamed the card game?  It's a bit politically incorrect, don't you think?

I hear lines from movies (probably the cheesy kind that only I watch anymore) in my head all the time that make me feel like I'm behind where I should be.  In Oklahoma!, the Rodgers and Hammerstein's musical, Aunt Eller says, "18?  Pssh, I bet she's 19."  And then Laurie says she never saw someone look so "peaked" in such a short time.  To peak at 19--oh geez. 

Let me just say, as a general disclaimer, I know that's not the way it really is and I'm also definitely not saying I wish I was 17 or 18 and planning a wedding--nowadays, that's marital suicide.  People don't stay together like they used to and the divorce rate, or so they say, is something like 50%.  Apparently the truth is a little bit different--the divorce rate for first marriages is something like 50% (and it does NOT go down with each subsequent marriage--it goes up!), but the distribution changes a little when you look at the age of the married person in question--for people 20 and under, 28% of women and 12% of men ultimately divorce.  As we get older, the likelihood of divorce goes down.  I did, though, want to be married before my younger sister.

As much as my friends say age is not an issue anymore and spinsters no longer exist, I still got a barrage of hateful comments.  My evil aunt had an entire conversation with my mother at my sister's engagement party about how I was "holding up" and how she knew if this had happened to one of her girls it would have been the end of the world.  I took it very personally and found it extremely offensive that people were sitting around in circles saying these things--things I, of course, knew they would say, but knowing that they're saying them and hearing that they're saying them are two different things.  I took it extremely hard, especially after that.  Cute little "Maybe you'll be next," comments didn't make me feel any better, either. 

It amazed me (and sometimes, when I'm in a bitter mood, it still does amaze me) that people act like a wedding is the end-all be-all.  I consider college graduation, starting (or finishing) graduate school, getting jobs and a whole host of other things as equally (if not more) important as merely entering the institution of marriage.  When most marriages end in divorce, why do we throw these huge parties and showers and buy presents?  It's just one more thing to divvy up in a property settlement several years later.  My diplomas won't be taken away from me or divided among other people.  So why the fanfare over marriage, something anyone can do?  Well, maybe that's just a spinster talking, but I was very frustrated that I saved for an entire summer to buy furniture for my apartment and my sister was given everything and, not only that, she had an employed husband to mooch off of.  Even though I have calmed down considerably since then, I still think it is a much bigger accomplishment for me to do what I have on my own.  I have nobody to thank for what I've accomplished except myself (and, of course, the generous financial contributions of my parents).  And that's kinda nice.  And when it's my turn to get married, I will already have a toaster and bed sheets and pots and pans and pyrex sets and a kitchen table--so I can ask for the important things: pretty china and a Dyson vacuum cleaner.  Maybe it sounds silly, but a Dyson is my dream.

But recently I figured out why Sarah was married before me: she's a much better person.  I'm sure you've figured it out by now, just by reading what I've written, but it took me a little longer.  Me being me, I have a little bit of a personal bias.  Anyway, it's true.  The reason I'm not married is because, in my younger years, I was flighty.  I had trouble committing.  And even more than that, I wasn't mature enough.  My sister has a kind of calm steadiness that I have never possessed.  I'm emotional, headstrong and determined. 

The bottom line is that my sister is better than me.  If you thought that me having to deal with her getting married first was a tough pill to swallow, imagine knowing what I know now.  It doesn't make me happy to admit it, but I'm the weaker, the meaner, the less serious, less steady, less marry-able sister.  Whether I'm the spinster or not is somewhat up for debate (I'm leaning towards yes), but the reason why is pretty clear to me.  I had to get all my ducks in a row first, and that took me much longer than it took my sister.  Is she really ready?  I definitely don't know, but I do know that I was not even thinking that I was ready at her age.  

I spent a long time being really angry at her.  Over the past couple months, I've just stopped being mad.   I would have given an awful lot for this to have come months and months sooner than it did, but eventually I just accepted it, and accepted myself, flaws and all.  I guess that was a bigger part of it than I realized.  I am happy to say that I have finally moved on.  I don't refer to myself as a spinster nearly as often as I used to.  It only took a year.  But my sister's wedding (and my lack of one) isn't going to define me.  I'm still a law student, I'm still moving towards a pretty solid future and, with any luck, it will be my turn soon.  I'm ready now.  And I'm a better person for the wait.