Thirty. One. Days.

Finals are approaching. Fast. And I'm not going to lie, I'm feeling a little bit panicky.

I feel like the classes I chose this semester were not so great. It seems like I always feel that way, but only after I've already made the choice and there was no way I could have known in advance that it'd be a bad decision. (The BEST decision, though, is not having clinic as part of the equation at all. Pat myself on the back for that one.) Criminal procedure, though I like the professor as a person, is generally vague and confusing. You should see my professor's powerpoint slides--no complete sentences and weird abbreviations. A lot of times, I'm not really sure what she's even trying to say. And she's a pretty tough grader. We just got back the memos that were due a few weeks ago. She told us today how much she hated in law school when professors just gave her a number and didn't really explain it--and then proceeded to do the same thing. A student asked how the numbers broke down into letter grades, and she was very, very vague. So frustrating. Well, my grade was thoroughly average--right in the middle. The "average" grade at my school is about a B-, so I'm assuming that's where I'm at, and then I can adjust it upwards with my final exam. Still, I don't know for sure--but I would say it's a pretty good bet. But its not exactly comforting to go into an exam without being exactly sure of where you stand or how its going to turn out.

We also have take homes in my Jurisprudence and Employment Law classes, both of which are taught by the same professor. She happens to be one of the most genuinely nice and enthusiastic people I have ever met, but Jurisprudence is one big confusing mess. I'm not sure where she's really going with much of anything--she's a new professor and its her first semester teaching this class, so I know she needs a bit of leeway, but I am definitely concerned. Employment law isn't a huge concern, but its still one more thing standing between me and being finished.

Today in Jurisprudence, a group of us were talking about finals and expectations... And so many of the other kids have jobs that it makes me feel terrible about myself. I have tried so hard and still I have heard nothing back. I didn't respond to the lawyer's email after he told me I was instinctively clever because there were no questions in it and I don't want to be bothersome, but I also haven't heard anything since then and that makes me nervous. I really was starting to feel like that was my one shot at success and if it doesn't work out, I'm definitely going to be very sad. I still really don't know what to do, though. Should I email him back? Does he want me to? I'm not sure. I spent the week reading everything he has ever written that I could get my hands on so that I am as prepared as possible for an interview, but, of course, he doesn't know that. I felt like that last email was a major, major victory but I guess I could be wrong. Oh my goodness, I'm worried. I think about him way too many times a day for it to be healthy, but I really am still hoping that this is my chance, my big break.

I was so encouraged that he wanted to know about me as a person as well as a student. There really is more to all of us than what we've accomplished or not accomplished at school. Many of my classmates (who will remain nameless) have accomplished lots of great things--but you wouldn't want to be anywhere near them for any extended period of time, whether for fear of contracting some kind of communicable disease or because they are truly unsympathetic, obnoxious, insufferable people. Well, it happens. Some of us are so type A that we are at each other's throats, and some of us are just miserable human beings. But I guess that's the same in any profession.

Still, I am feeling a little panicked. I guess its just that time of the year. I'm going to go home and spend some quality time this weekend doing some serious exam preparation. It's only a month away, after all, and it can't hurt to be prepared. Super duper prepared.

And let's face it. I am going to review with Claire before the crim pro final and I have never studied with her and not gotten an A. So that's something. At least I hope it's something. And thank goodness for Crunchtime books.

I guess this fear is a healthy way to combat 3L-itis. It has been hard for me to focus on reading or class lectures ever since I came back from spring break (okay, okay, you're right--since before spring break) because I am so preoccupied with thoughts of graduation and the new life I'll have when I'm done here. This fear will make me do a little more than I would otherwise do, and hopefully that means things will turn out okay. After all, I have done better every single semester than the one before it--and my last semester CAN'T be an exception.

And, well, even if it is, I'm just going to have to get a job first--because if my GPA lowers, I don't want to have to edit my resume to reflect that. I'll take Bs. Please let me get Bs. Here's hoping.