Validation

It's funny how knowing what other people are doing can make you feel like what you're doing is somehow inadequate, even if you know deep down that what they're doing is not what you should be doing at this point in your life or even what you want to be doing.  Every time I see that a new person is listed as engaged on Facebook, a little part of me feels like throwing myself to the floor, kicking and screaming and demanding that the gods tell me why on earth she got more in life than me.  Hey, it worked when I was a kid and my mom was making unequal bowls of ice cream.  Somehow, though, I didn't think that big kid life would feel this inherently unequal.  But that's crazy.  Most of these girls are marrying boys that (1) they fight with all the time, (2) they have cheated on or have had cheat on them, or (3) that they only very, very recently started dating.  I mean, there has to be a reason why the divorce rate is so high nowadays.

I even get upset about non-disgusting pregnancy and child-rearing related-things.  Although graphic details of the babymaking, delivering and parenting process gross me out (like, for example, the fact that a certain friend is 4 centimeters dilated, that another friend posted pictures of her pregnancy tests which everyone KNOWS she peed on, and even discussions about the position of the baby in a friend's stomach), other parts, like the baby bump pictures and the discussions of baby names, make me feel like I am waiting too long to get started on my own life.

But that's not true, nor is it productive.  Even though other people's lives seem all bright and shiny from the outside looking in, they probably all have their own (pretty serious) problems to deal with.  Like debt.  Or divorce.  I am now at the age that, not only have a substantial number of my friends gotten married, but some have also started to get divorced, too.  I can't imagine how awful it must feel to be divorced before 25.  I guess its easy to idealize.  My attitude is neither healthy nor helpful and I will try my hardest to make a conscious effort to not think of marriage as the ultimate goal of my life.  Is it pathetic that I've felt that way for years?  I'm not saying I'm going to stop completely because, let's face it, this is something that has been building in me for years and its hard to dispel completely ideas that I feel are relatively fundamental to my sense of self.  I'm sure I'm not the only person who feels that way.

I was watching Friends today, the episode where Rachel runs into her friends from before.  Each of them is doing something exciting--one is pregnant, one is engaged, and one is being made partner in her father's law firm.  Rachel has to defend her decision to not marry the orthodontist or whatever he was, and work in the little coffee shop.  She cries to Monica and Phoebe about how she doesn't know what she's doing with her life.  It made me realize two things.  (1) I really do have no idea what I'm doing with my life, but if they make a TV show about it, it must be relatively common and at least I'm not the only one.  And, (2) I would be one of the three successful ones, the law partner one, and even though it doesn't say that she's married or pregnant or anything like that, she is considered to be successful just because she meets one of those criteria.  Schwoo.  Who knew a re-run of Friends could somehow give me validation for my life?  But it did. 

I can't do it on the same time frame as everybody else, and sometimes it's probably pretty normal to wonder if the choices you've made have screwed it up irrevocably.  But, hey, it worked out for Rachel, and that's practically gospel.