A Multitude of Turn Offs

A few months ago, my roommate/sorority sister/best friend told me that she disqualified a guy from her list of potential lifetime lovers because he used entirely too many emoticons when texting.  At the time, I thought, "how silly," but, upon further reflection, I have been forced to admit that I, too, have disqualified an otherwise perfectly well qualified candidate.  I can see how annoying that would get.  ;-)  I must have forgotten, since I have now been dating Andy for close to two years.  :-0  I have to wonder, though: If Andy had displayed any of the following qualities, would I have disqualified him, too?

Here is a (non-exhaustive, because, lets face it, in the ten or so years that I have had boyfriends, I have disqualified boys for a number of legitimate and a number of completely ridiculous reasons) list of the things that automatically disqualify you from becoming a boyfriend candidate.  In my list at least.

1. The use of entirely too many exclamation points.  I know, I know, you may say, "doesn't that sound quite like what your friend did?"  And you would be right.  I once disqualified a guy because he used approximately three to seven exclamation points after every single thing he said.  If you don't believe it's annoying, see what it's like when you put it after everything you say!!!!!  Some things just don't warrant exclamation points!!!  It's kind of like laughing at your own joke.  Not cool.  And not boyfriend material.  :-(

2. Preaching to me.  I am entirely capable of finding my own religion, thank you very much.  I once had a boy who gave me SEVERAL Jesus themed-cards, calendars and refrigerator magnets.  Thank you, but no.  Return them to Heaven and Earth immediately, along with the his and hers WWJD bracelets.  I appreciate the thought, but, really, you shouldn't have.

3. Using weird words.  For example, "glorious," and "splendid," at inopportune moments.  Although this seemed a very serious infraction to me at the time, I probably disqualified the most qualified candidate for husbandship that I have ever dated based on this exclusionary rule.  Sometimes, it is true, rules fail you.  Sometimes, a few years down the line, you start to think...maybe saying "glorious," in a weird voice and doing a little hula dance isn't that bad.  But, then, you think...what if he did it in public?  And you remember.  Rules exist for a reason.

4. Curly chest hair and/or excessive body hair.  The existence of chest hair in many instances is, in fact, preferred.  It's rugged and manly and sexy.  When your chest hair looks like pubes, though, it is a turn off.  Also, I prefer to date boys and not grizzly bears.  It is unattractive, and a gene that I am not interested in passing down to my future children, particularly if I am destined to have daughters.  When you shed more than my Labrador retriever, we have problems, and I will bid you adieu.

5. Excessive sweating.  Don't drip on me, please.  I understand that many men have a condition that causes them to sweat more than a girl would.  This is not the problem I'm discussing.  I am talking about so much sweating that your shirt constantly sticks to your back or you have pit stains when we're trying to build a snowman. 

6. Oddly shaped feet and/or toenails.  No more explanation necessary.

7. Poor grammar.  As an English major, I understand that grammar and spelling are not the be-all, end-all.  I, for example, like to make up words (for example: husbandship, as evidenced in point number 3) and use entirely too many commas.  I do not think that this is an example of poor grammar, however.  I enjoy commas and think that they are the spice of writing.  And interesting that spice rhymes with splice.  Well, I do not mind an occasional comma splice or two.  Or fifteen.  What I do mind is people who don't know the difference between "there" and "their," or "your," and "you're," or "to" and "too."  I also mind people who write, text, or instant message using words like "ur," "bcuz," "l8r," or "ROFLMAO."  Unfortunately, this rule has disqualified many a man so I can't even give you a single example of how this has played out because it has happened so many times that I have quite lost track.  But, I assure you, if at any time I become single again in the future (God forbid!), I will still disqualify a boy without hesitation based on this most important of rules.

Like I said, this list is non-exhaustive.  Of course, I also exclude on the basis of (1) long-term unemployment, (2) the existence of children (no baby mama drama, please), and (3) poor dental hygiene, but who doesn't?  Anyway, I guess we all have a bottom line and this is mine.