With a mere five months to graduation, I am taking this opportunity to freak out. It's amazing--I had so much school left, I didn't have to worry about anything but passing my classes and getting through my internships. But now, suddenly, I have all sorts of things to think about, like what bar review class to take, whether or not to walk at graduation, what graduation announcements to send, how to fill out my bar exam application, updating my resume, and applying and interviewing for various jobs. (Also, I am interested in planning a wedding, which will hopefully take place this September.) Where did the time go?
Everyone knows someone and wants a copy of my resume to give to a friend/family member/co-worker/in-law or someone entirely unrelated to them who knows someone who knows someone who is a lawyer in a big firm in ___ (insert name of city/town/county here) and can probably get me a job. Unfortunately, none of those people have been able to really make it happen. I met one such person yesterday and, although I have had an encounter like this many times before that has not come to fruition, I am taking the bait and using this opportunity to beef up my resume and get it out before I do something that makes my standing go down somehow.
I like to think of this blog as an exercise in creative writing. I like to think of it as creative nonfiction because, let's face it, at times I am a little bit dramatic and sometimes exaggerate details to fit my particular circumstances. If this is an exercise in creative nonfiction, resume writing is a genre unto itself but, if I had to label it, I would have to say its non-creative fiction. I want to write, "I have no real skills, am not very smart, and have no work experience because your field requires me to be in school until I'm damn near geriatric, so please lower your standards," but that's kind of long and doesn't fit neatly in my bullet points. "I'll try really hard to not screw up," also seems somewhat inappropriate. It's too bad, because really it seems like that's all I can say for myself. Still, there must have been tons of lawyers who graduated at the same place I am or much, much, much lower and still made it work. I'm holding out hope.
If you have any resume suggestions, please send them my way. If you can find creative ways to discuss how "motivated" or "driven" or "detail oriented" I am, please feel free to provide short phrases that will fit neatly into bulleted points. Obviously, it doesn't need to be particularly creative. It just needs to make the employers look more than once at my resume. Too bad I can't go all Elle Woods and make it scented and pink. That might get me noticed.
Hire me. Someone. I really will try very hard not to screw up.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
All Grown Up.....Maybe
Two days ago, I received what may have been the biggest insult ever. And the worst part? It came from a five year old girl I only just met.
She complimented my necklace first off, which, even though it was coming from a five year old, was nice to hear. Whether the person who thinks you're stylish is five or fifty, it's still a compliment and it does give you little warm fuzzies. So, I complimented her shoes. They were sneakers almost like Chuck Taylors but with little rhinestones on the toes. She said thank you, they are her twinkletoes. I was instantly jealous, but we continued on with our conversation, her oblivious to the degree to which I now coveted her much-too-small-for-me sneakers. Then it happened.
"Are you somebody's mommy?" she asked, smiling up at me.
This, unfortunately, is a question I have heard before. This past mother's day, I had several well-meaning older gentlemen ask me if I had any children and, if so, they wished me a happy mother's day. I felt shocked at the time, but since then I have also had several people ask me where I'm in high school. Still others have been confused and insisted that my younger sister is the elder (probably mostly because she is grouchy and bitterness does seem to be much more closely associated with older women than with younger ones). I shrug it off and generally stroke my ego with the thought that, while I am neither in high school nor am I suffering from motherhood, I am at the exact age where it is impossible to tell for certain what age I really am. Many people seem shocked that I am 24. Still others seem to think that I am an appropriate age to be a mother. I shudder at the thought. Still, my conversation with this delightful child was far from over. She continued on.
"Are you just a grown up?"
I almost choked. Little girl, I thought, you have no idea how you have cut me to my very core. A grown up?? When did I become a grown up? I most certainly am NOT a grown up. Grown ups, you see, have jobs and health insurance and 401(K)s. Since I have none of these things, I cannot be a grown up. I tried to explain these things to her. Grown ups, you see, do not wear pink shoes. Grown ups cut their hair short and do not wear Hello Kitty hair ties. Grown ups are not in school and have investment portfolios. They do not laugh when their friends use the phrase "pee out my ass." They don't even HAVE friends who say things like that. They all talk about weather and politics. So, I cannot be a grown up.
I explained to her that I was not a grown up and, in my most lawyerly way, convinced her that I was, in fact, right. Schwoo. Victory!
She complimented my necklace first off, which, even though it was coming from a five year old, was nice to hear. Whether the person who thinks you're stylish is five or fifty, it's still a compliment and it does give you little warm fuzzies. So, I complimented her shoes. They were sneakers almost like Chuck Taylors but with little rhinestones on the toes. She said thank you, they are her twinkletoes. I was instantly jealous, but we continued on with our conversation, her oblivious to the degree to which I now coveted her much-too-small-for-me sneakers. Then it happened.
"Are you somebody's mommy?" she asked, smiling up at me.
This, unfortunately, is a question I have heard before. This past mother's day, I had several well-meaning older gentlemen ask me if I had any children and, if so, they wished me a happy mother's day. I felt shocked at the time, but since then I have also had several people ask me where I'm in high school. Still others have been confused and insisted that my younger sister is the elder (probably mostly because she is grouchy and bitterness does seem to be much more closely associated with older women than with younger ones). I shrug it off and generally stroke my ego with the thought that, while I am neither in high school nor am I suffering from motherhood, I am at the exact age where it is impossible to tell for certain what age I really am. Many people seem shocked that I am 24. Still others seem to think that I am an appropriate age to be a mother. I shudder at the thought. Still, my conversation with this delightful child was far from over. She continued on.
"Are you just a grown up?"
I almost choked. Little girl, I thought, you have no idea how you have cut me to my very core. A grown up?? When did I become a grown up? I most certainly am NOT a grown up. Grown ups, you see, have jobs and health insurance and 401(K)s. Since I have none of these things, I cannot be a grown up. I tried to explain these things to her. Grown ups, you see, do not wear pink shoes. Grown ups cut their hair short and do not wear Hello Kitty hair ties. Grown ups are not in school and have investment portfolios. They do not laugh when their friends use the phrase "pee out my ass." They don't even HAVE friends who say things like that. They all talk about weather and politics. So, I cannot be a grown up.
I explained to her that I was not a grown up and, in my most lawyerly way, convinced her that I was, in fact, right. Schwoo. Victory!
Monday, December 27, 2010
Useless, but Interesting
During my break from school, I have learned many interesting facts, some of which are believable and some of which are not so believable. If I may, I will indulge you in a little recitation.
I'm assuming that you have agreed that I may, and so, here goes.
1. Marilyn Monroe slept in the nude. She also bleached her pubic hair. In addition, she had irritable bowel syndrome. Didn't see that one coming, did you?
2. During the French Reign of Terror, executioners reported that they asked executed people questions moments after their heads were cut off...and they were able to answer. (Not for very long, I'm sure, and also, I don't know what questions were asked. I think I would ask, "Did that hurt?" But I might already know the answer.)
3. During the filming of Gone With the Wind, Vivien Leigh apparently gagged before kissing Clark Gable because his breath was so bad. (I, personally, do not believe this could possibly be the case--Vivien Leigh was a devoted smoker and SHE must have been smelling her own breath rather than Clark Gable's.)
4. During the making of the Wizard of Oz, the actress who played with Wicked Witch of the West was severely burned during the second taping of the scene where she leaves Munchkinland in a swirl of smoke. Because of this, in the movie, they included the first take---where you can see the trap door she exited through. (You're going to watch again, aren't you?)
5. Before the filming of the Harry Potter movies began filming, each of the three main stars (Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint) were assigned an essay--to describe the essence of their characters. Daniel wrote a couple of pages, Emma wrote a short novel, and Rupert totally forgot... A little bit like their characters in the movies, perhaps? Personally, I find this very funny. Maybe if you're not a huge Potter fan, though, it's less interesting.
6. A man from China went to an Ikea store and started designing furniture in a rural Chinese town and created a business that now grosses $1 million a year. The average income for a person in China is like $300 a month, and many farmers don't make that in a year. Did you know they had Ikeas in China?
7. It CAN snow a foot in the Tidewater area. When it does, you should not drive in your pregnant roller skate-looking car during the heaviest snow on a covered on ramp. You WILL get stuck and I WILL laugh at you.
8. A male platypus is venomous.
9. Although a hippopotamus is a vegetarian, they will still kill you. Therefore, mom is right that a hippo will eat you up and a hippo is not an appropriate Christmas gift.
10. In the rainforest, where insects are plentiful, there are certain spores that can give insects brain diseases. When this happens to ants, the rest of the ants take the affected ant friend away to die because when the spore germinates, it can kill off an entire colony. When it germinates, it sends a plant looking thing through the ant's head and it slowly goes crazy and dies. The more plentiful an insect species, the more likely a spore will attack that particular species. I wonder if all species take their sick away to die? Is that practical, or sad? Do ants have feelings? Unfortunately, each fun fact I discover only creates more questions.
I hope that you have enjoyed these fun facts although they are, unfortunately, completely worthless, and will probably never even give you a dramatic and decisive win while you watch Jeopardy on the couch with your friends. Probably you will never even have cause to mention them in general conversation unless, of course, you decide to write a blog about any or all of them and I certainly wouldn't judge you if you did.
I'm assuming that you have agreed that I may, and so, here goes.
1. Marilyn Monroe slept in the nude. She also bleached her pubic hair. In addition, she had irritable bowel syndrome. Didn't see that one coming, did you?
2. During the French Reign of Terror, executioners reported that they asked executed people questions moments after their heads were cut off...and they were able to answer. (Not for very long, I'm sure, and also, I don't know what questions were asked. I think I would ask, "Did that hurt?" But I might already know the answer.)
3. During the filming of Gone With the Wind, Vivien Leigh apparently gagged before kissing Clark Gable because his breath was so bad. (I, personally, do not believe this could possibly be the case--Vivien Leigh was a devoted smoker and SHE must have been smelling her own breath rather than Clark Gable's.)
4. During the making of the Wizard of Oz, the actress who played with Wicked Witch of the West was severely burned during the second taping of the scene where she leaves Munchkinland in a swirl of smoke. Because of this, in the movie, they included the first take---where you can see the trap door she exited through. (You're going to watch again, aren't you?)
5. Before the filming of the Harry Potter movies began filming, each of the three main stars (Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint) were assigned an essay--to describe the essence of their characters. Daniel wrote a couple of pages, Emma wrote a short novel, and Rupert totally forgot... A little bit like their characters in the movies, perhaps? Personally, I find this very funny. Maybe if you're not a huge Potter fan, though, it's less interesting.
6. A man from China went to an Ikea store and started designing furniture in a rural Chinese town and created a business that now grosses $1 million a year. The average income for a person in China is like $300 a month, and many farmers don't make that in a year. Did you know they had Ikeas in China?
7. It CAN snow a foot in the Tidewater area. When it does, you should not drive in your pregnant roller skate-looking car during the heaviest snow on a covered on ramp. You WILL get stuck and I WILL laugh at you.
8. A male platypus is venomous.
9. Although a hippopotamus is a vegetarian, they will still kill you. Therefore, mom is right that a hippo will eat you up and a hippo is not an appropriate Christmas gift.
10. In the rainforest, where insects are plentiful, there are certain spores that can give insects brain diseases. When this happens to ants, the rest of the ants take the affected ant friend away to die because when the spore germinates, it can kill off an entire colony. When it germinates, it sends a plant looking thing through the ant's head and it slowly goes crazy and dies. The more plentiful an insect species, the more likely a spore will attack that particular species. I wonder if all species take their sick away to die? Is that practical, or sad? Do ants have feelings? Unfortunately, each fun fact I discover only creates more questions.
I hope that you have enjoyed these fun facts although they are, unfortunately, completely worthless, and will probably never even give you a dramatic and decisive win while you watch Jeopardy on the couch with your friends. Probably you will never even have cause to mention them in general conversation unless, of course, you decide to write a blog about any or all of them and I certainly wouldn't judge you if you did.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Good Riddance, Clinic
It has been awhile since my last post, mostly because I have a serious and potentially long-term case of blogger's block. I seem to be unable to think of anything worthwhile to say and, for that reason, I have decided that it is better to say nothing than to ramble on meaninglessly.
But then I remembered that I forgot to mention that I decided to drop clinic. Of course, it's not exactly like everyone was waiting with baited breath to see what I was going to do, but the reason I started this blog initially was because I was so frustrated with it and wanted to have an outlet for it. It was a pretty difficult experience. Looking back, I know that some of it was my fault. Still, though, the supervisors were pretty difficult. The one that I liked was almost never in her office, didn't practice family law and could never give us any advice, other than to tell us to go to talk to the other supervisor, and never did the things she said she was going to do. The mean supervisors, the one I referred to as Professor Umbridge, was also unhelpful--she would give us fifteen directions to go look in, but all of them always turned out to be completely unhelpful. On the night before our first hearing, she mentioned several hours worth of stuff that she wanted us to look up--all of which I tried to explain was not what we needed to be looking at (it was a statute that said that if a kid had been in foster care for 15 out of the last 22 months, the department had to move for termination of parental rights--(1) these kids had not been in foster care that long, and (2) we were representing the mother, we didn't WANT to move for termination!!). Luckily, by then we knew better than to listen to her, and we didn't do it. Our hearing lasted like 10 minutes. Funny how no one could tell us something important like THAT. Like, don't spend weeks on developing good oral argument---because only one of you will get a chance to talk at all and you won't get to talk more than 3 minutes. That would have been helpful. But no. No one told us anything useful.
I enjoyed working on that case, though, and even though our supervisors were profoundly uninteresting and unhelpful, my partner and I made it through and reunited a family, at least partially. Our other client was another story entirely. She was the most difficult woman I had ever met. She emailed 6 or 8 times a day, with a bunch of different things she was telling us to do. Unfortunately for her, that's not really the way a lawyer-client relationship works. You don't say "File this complaint and this complaint and this complaint"---your lawyer strategizes with you on your behalf. Of course, a client's opinion and concerns definitely come into play, but it is not for the client to tell the lawyer what to do, especially when the rules governing these kinds of complaints specifically forbid us to do what she was asking. We tried to explain, but were unsuccessful. In the end, it was mostly my desire never to work with her again that made me decide to quit. You may think that's a bit drastic, but if you had met this bat shit crazy lady, you would understand. Besides, I know that our supervisors will dump more and more ridiculous assignments on us at the last minute, with no regard to our other school work, and I'm tired of all my other classes taking the backseat. Last semester, I had 7 credit hours of clinic, and 9 hours of everything else---and the 7 governed everything else. That can't happen again. I need to be able to focus on my other work and get good grades in everything. I need to do what needs to be done, without regard for what my supervisor will say if I tell her that tonight, I really do need to do my homework for a particular class. (BTW--she will say that's not even C level work.)
All in all, I feel like I've made the right decision and I am looking forward to a simpler time, a happier time, when there's no nasty client sending 100 emails a day that I can never answer fast enough, when there's not emails in my inbox from supervisors that make me feel panicked because there's not enough time in the day to do all the things I know they'll ask me to do, when I can do all my work for all my classes without anyone telling me what order to do them in or giving disproportionate weight to one class to the detriment of all the others, to a time where I can leave to go home for the weekend and not worry about what I might be missing, not worry about my clinic partner being mad at me, not feel like I can't possibly go to the gym because I might get a hateful email in the mean time.... It's my last semester in law school, and I'd like it to be a happier one than the fall semester. Here's hoping.
But then I remembered that I forgot to mention that I decided to drop clinic. Of course, it's not exactly like everyone was waiting with baited breath to see what I was going to do, but the reason I started this blog initially was because I was so frustrated with it and wanted to have an outlet for it. It was a pretty difficult experience. Looking back, I know that some of it was my fault. Still, though, the supervisors were pretty difficult. The one that I liked was almost never in her office, didn't practice family law and could never give us any advice, other than to tell us to go to talk to the other supervisor, and never did the things she said she was going to do. The mean supervisors, the one I referred to as Professor Umbridge, was also unhelpful--she would give us fifteen directions to go look in, but all of them always turned out to be completely unhelpful. On the night before our first hearing, she mentioned several hours worth of stuff that she wanted us to look up--all of which I tried to explain was not what we needed to be looking at (it was a statute that said that if a kid had been in foster care for 15 out of the last 22 months, the department had to move for termination of parental rights--(1) these kids had not been in foster care that long, and (2) we were representing the mother, we didn't WANT to move for termination!!). Luckily, by then we knew better than to listen to her, and we didn't do it. Our hearing lasted like 10 minutes. Funny how no one could tell us something important like THAT. Like, don't spend weeks on developing good oral argument---because only one of you will get a chance to talk at all and you won't get to talk more than 3 minutes. That would have been helpful. But no. No one told us anything useful.
I enjoyed working on that case, though, and even though our supervisors were profoundly uninteresting and unhelpful, my partner and I made it through and reunited a family, at least partially. Our other client was another story entirely. She was the most difficult woman I had ever met. She emailed 6 or 8 times a day, with a bunch of different things she was telling us to do. Unfortunately for her, that's not really the way a lawyer-client relationship works. You don't say "File this complaint and this complaint and this complaint"---your lawyer strategizes with you on your behalf. Of course, a client's opinion and concerns definitely come into play, but it is not for the client to tell the lawyer what to do, especially when the rules governing these kinds of complaints specifically forbid us to do what she was asking. We tried to explain, but were unsuccessful. In the end, it was mostly my desire never to work with her again that made me decide to quit. You may think that's a bit drastic, but if you had met this bat shit crazy lady, you would understand. Besides, I know that our supervisors will dump more and more ridiculous assignments on us at the last minute, with no regard to our other school work, and I'm tired of all my other classes taking the backseat. Last semester, I had 7 credit hours of clinic, and 9 hours of everything else---and the 7 governed everything else. That can't happen again. I need to be able to focus on my other work and get good grades in everything. I need to do what needs to be done, without regard for what my supervisor will say if I tell her that tonight, I really do need to do my homework for a particular class. (BTW--she will say that's not even C level work.)
All in all, I feel like I've made the right decision and I am looking forward to a simpler time, a happier time, when there's no nasty client sending 100 emails a day that I can never answer fast enough, when there's not emails in my inbox from supervisors that make me feel panicked because there's not enough time in the day to do all the things I know they'll ask me to do, when I can do all my work for all my classes without anyone telling me what order to do them in or giving disproportionate weight to one class to the detriment of all the others, to a time where I can leave to go home for the weekend and not worry about what I might be missing, not worry about my clinic partner being mad at me, not feel like I can't possibly go to the gym because I might get a hateful email in the mean time.... It's my last semester in law school, and I'd like it to be a happier one than the fall semester. Here's hoping.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Ahhh, Sweatpants
Another finals week is here, much to my chagrin and delight. Finals week (which is actually a bit of a misnomer, considering finals week lasts two weeks here) comes with its own difficulties and frustrations, not to mention exceptionally long periods of time where I do nothing but sit and read or write. It also comes, however, with a number of creature comforts that, I have to admit, I enjoy immensely. For one thing, showers are entirely optional. No one coming up to the school at all hours to study is perfectly coiffed, so I need not be. It is entirely likely that the only person I will see is the one dude shamelessly sleeping on the couch in the student lounge, mouth wide open and first year casebooks strewn wildly around him.
Secondly, sweatpants are pretty much mandatory. As are sweatshirts and fuzzy socks. During spring finals, I study outside, scantily clad, in the hopes of tempting an early tan to develop on my West Virginia winter skin. During the winter, however, I huddle up on my couch with hot chocolate and furry fleece blankets, watching the snow outside my window. Even though I feel some impending doom over my upcoming final, mostly I feel a sense of well-being that only snow and holidays can provide. This is my favorite way to enjoy snow. When it is outside and I am not. I also recently put my electric blanket on my bed, which makes me look forward to the time I spend in it much, much more than at any other time during the year.
Third, I have a fair bit of time where I am procrastinating to do a number of things, including (1) online shopping, (2) facebook stalking, and (3) movie watching. It's funny how, when I own a movie, I don't care to watch it but, when it comes on TV, I pretty much want to stop the world to watch it. Also, I recently got HBO, which has changed my TV viewing experience forever. The one thing I would change is to add a few commercials, though. Less than a regular network, like TBS, which has a commercial every five seconds. But still, enough that I can take time to go pee every so often (because I drink so much Coke Zero that I always have to pee). I also enjoy Harry Potter on ABC family because it includes scenes that are not in my DVD...and I have to know everything that has ever happened to Harry.
I also very much enjoy the triumphant feeling that I get when I walk out of a final (and out of a class) forever. Nothing else really compares. So, even though I have to take a lot of exams, and some of them are very, very, depressingly long, I still have a number of pursuits that take up my time and make me quite happy.
Today, I took my final for business organizations, a four credit hour class that has tested the limit of my abilities. Having never before taken a business-related class, and with no knowledge of corporations or securities or insider trading, it was almost entirely new information. Still, I feel like I have very successfully made it through the class and am anticipating (at least) a B. I think I deserve that, and I'm reasonably sure that I did well enough on my exam to secure at least that. It's funny how much the rest of the semester doesn't matter at all, and your final grade really depends on how you do in five short hours and ten essay questions. Still, I am up to the challenge, I think. And at least, if I have to face it, I can wear the comfiest clothes I own. Bring it on, Family Law. Bring it on.
Secondly, sweatpants are pretty much mandatory. As are sweatshirts and fuzzy socks. During spring finals, I study outside, scantily clad, in the hopes of tempting an early tan to develop on my West Virginia winter skin. During the winter, however, I huddle up on my couch with hot chocolate and furry fleece blankets, watching the snow outside my window. Even though I feel some impending doom over my upcoming final, mostly I feel a sense of well-being that only snow and holidays can provide. This is my favorite way to enjoy snow. When it is outside and I am not. I also recently put my electric blanket on my bed, which makes me look forward to the time I spend in it much, much more than at any other time during the year.
Third, I have a fair bit of time where I am procrastinating to do a number of things, including (1) online shopping, (2) facebook stalking, and (3) movie watching. It's funny how, when I own a movie, I don't care to watch it but, when it comes on TV, I pretty much want to stop the world to watch it. Also, I recently got HBO, which has changed my TV viewing experience forever. The one thing I would change is to add a few commercials, though. Less than a regular network, like TBS, which has a commercial every five seconds. But still, enough that I can take time to go pee every so often (because I drink so much Coke Zero that I always have to pee). I also enjoy Harry Potter on ABC family because it includes scenes that are not in my DVD...and I have to know everything that has ever happened to Harry.
I also very much enjoy the triumphant feeling that I get when I walk out of a final (and out of a class) forever. Nothing else really compares. So, even though I have to take a lot of exams, and some of them are very, very, depressingly long, I still have a number of pursuits that take up my time and make me quite happy.
Today, I took my final for business organizations, a four credit hour class that has tested the limit of my abilities. Having never before taken a business-related class, and with no knowledge of corporations or securities or insider trading, it was almost entirely new information. Still, I feel like I have very successfully made it through the class and am anticipating (at least) a B. I think I deserve that, and I'm reasonably sure that I did well enough on my exam to secure at least that. It's funny how much the rest of the semester doesn't matter at all, and your final grade really depends on how you do in five short hours and ten essay questions. Still, I am up to the challenge, I think. And at least, if I have to face it, I can wear the comfiest clothes I own. Bring it on, Family Law. Bring it on.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
A Multitude of Turn Offs
A few months ago, my roommate/sorority sister/best friend told me that she disqualified a guy from her list of potential lifetime lovers because he used entirely too many emoticons when texting. At the time, I thought, "how silly," but, upon further reflection, I have been forced to admit that I, too, have disqualified an otherwise perfectly well qualified candidate. I can see how annoying that would get. ;-) I must have forgotten, since I have now been dating Andy for close to two years. :-0 I have to wonder, though: If Andy had displayed any of the following qualities, would I have disqualified him, too?
Here is a (non-exhaustive, because, lets face it, in the ten or so years that I have had boyfriends, I have disqualified boys for a number of legitimate and a number of completely ridiculous reasons) list of the things that automatically disqualify you from becoming a boyfriend candidate. In my list at least.
1. The use of entirely too many exclamation points. I know, I know, you may say, "doesn't that sound quite like what your friend did?" And you would be right. I once disqualified a guy because he used approximately three to seven exclamation points after every single thing he said. If you don't believe it's annoying, see what it's like when you put it after everything you say!!!!! Some things just don't warrant exclamation points!!! It's kind of like laughing at your own joke. Not cool. And not boyfriend material. :-(
2. Preaching to me. I am entirely capable of finding my own religion, thank you very much. I once had a boy who gave me SEVERAL Jesus themed-cards, calendars and refrigerator magnets. Thank you, but no. Return them to Heaven and Earth immediately, along with the his and hers WWJD bracelets. I appreciate the thought, but, really, you shouldn't have.
3. Using weird words. For example, "glorious," and "splendid," at inopportune moments. Although this seemed a very serious infraction to me at the time, I probably disqualified the most qualified candidate for husbandship that I have ever dated based on this exclusionary rule. Sometimes, it is true, rules fail you. Sometimes, a few years down the line, you start to think...maybe saying "glorious," in a weird voice and doing a little hula dance isn't that bad. But, then, you think...what if he did it in public? And you remember. Rules exist for a reason.
4. Curly chest hair and/or excessive body hair. The existence of chest hair in many instances is, in fact, preferred. It's rugged and manly and sexy. When your chest hair looks like pubes, though, it is a turn off. Also, I prefer to date boys and not grizzly bears. It is unattractive, and a gene that I am not interested in passing down to my future children, particularly if I am destined to have daughters. When you shed more than my Labrador retriever, we have problems, and I will bid you adieu.
5. Excessive sweating. Don't drip on me, please. I understand that many men have a condition that causes them to sweat more than a girl would. This is not the problem I'm discussing. I am talking about so much sweating that your shirt constantly sticks to your back or you have pit stains when we're trying to build a snowman.
6. Oddly shaped feet and/or toenails. No more explanation necessary.
7. Poor grammar. As an English major, I understand that grammar and spelling are not the be-all, end-all. I, for example, like to make up words (for example: husbandship, as evidenced in point number 3) and use entirely too many commas. I do not think that this is an example of poor grammar, however. I enjoy commas and think that they are the spice of writing. And interesting that spice rhymes with splice. Well, I do not mind an occasional comma splice or two. Or fifteen. What I do mind is people who don't know the difference between "there" and "their," or "your," and "you're," or "to" and "too." I also mind people who write, text, or instant message using words like "ur," "bcuz," "l8r," or "ROFLMAO." Unfortunately, this rule has disqualified many a man so I can't even give you a single example of how this has played out because it has happened so many times that I have quite lost track. But, I assure you, if at any time I become single again in the future (God forbid!), I will still disqualify a boy without hesitation based on this most important of rules.
Like I said, this list is non-exhaustive. Of course, I also exclude on the basis of (1) long-term unemployment, (2) the existence of children (no baby mama drama, please), and (3) poor dental hygiene, but who doesn't? Anyway, I guess we all have a bottom line and this is mine.
Here is a (non-exhaustive, because, lets face it, in the ten or so years that I have had boyfriends, I have disqualified boys for a number of legitimate and a number of completely ridiculous reasons) list of the things that automatically disqualify you from becoming a boyfriend candidate. In my list at least.
1. The use of entirely too many exclamation points. I know, I know, you may say, "doesn't that sound quite like what your friend did?" And you would be right. I once disqualified a guy because he used approximately three to seven exclamation points after every single thing he said. If you don't believe it's annoying, see what it's like when you put it after everything you say!!!!! Some things just don't warrant exclamation points!!! It's kind of like laughing at your own joke. Not cool. And not boyfriend material. :-(
2. Preaching to me. I am entirely capable of finding my own religion, thank you very much. I once had a boy who gave me SEVERAL Jesus themed-cards, calendars and refrigerator magnets. Thank you, but no. Return them to Heaven and Earth immediately, along with the his and hers WWJD bracelets. I appreciate the thought, but, really, you shouldn't have.
3. Using weird words. For example, "glorious," and "splendid," at inopportune moments. Although this seemed a very serious infraction to me at the time, I probably disqualified the most qualified candidate for husbandship that I have ever dated based on this exclusionary rule. Sometimes, it is true, rules fail you. Sometimes, a few years down the line, you start to think...maybe saying "glorious," in a weird voice and doing a little hula dance isn't that bad. But, then, you think...what if he did it in public? And you remember. Rules exist for a reason.
4. Curly chest hair and/or excessive body hair. The existence of chest hair in many instances is, in fact, preferred. It's rugged and manly and sexy. When your chest hair looks like pubes, though, it is a turn off. Also, I prefer to date boys and not grizzly bears. It is unattractive, and a gene that I am not interested in passing down to my future children, particularly if I am destined to have daughters. When you shed more than my Labrador retriever, we have problems, and I will bid you adieu.
5. Excessive sweating. Don't drip on me, please. I understand that many men have a condition that causes them to sweat more than a girl would. This is not the problem I'm discussing. I am talking about so much sweating that your shirt constantly sticks to your back or you have pit stains when we're trying to build a snowman.
6. Oddly shaped feet and/or toenails. No more explanation necessary.
7. Poor grammar. As an English major, I understand that grammar and spelling are not the be-all, end-all. I, for example, like to make up words (for example: husbandship, as evidenced in point number 3) and use entirely too many commas. I do not think that this is an example of poor grammar, however. I enjoy commas and think that they are the spice of writing. And interesting that spice rhymes with splice. Well, I do not mind an occasional comma splice or two. Or fifteen. What I do mind is people who don't know the difference between "there" and "their," or "your," and "you're," or "to" and "too." I also mind people who write, text, or instant message using words like "ur," "bcuz," "l8r," or "ROFLMAO." Unfortunately, this rule has disqualified many a man so I can't even give you a single example of how this has played out because it has happened so many times that I have quite lost track. But, I assure you, if at any time I become single again in the future (God forbid!), I will still disqualify a boy without hesitation based on this most important of rules.
Like I said, this list is non-exhaustive. Of course, I also exclude on the basis of (1) long-term unemployment, (2) the existence of children (no baby mama drama, please), and (3) poor dental hygiene, but who doesn't? Anyway, I guess we all have a bottom line and this is mine.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Law Students, a Case Study
As a law student myself, I feel I am in a unique position to criticize, analyze, and discuss the oftentimes obnoxious and incomprehensible behaviors and habits of other law students. As a not-so-casual observer in a three year case study, after a full two and a half long, long, years have elapsed, I have to hypothesize that, on the whole, law students suck. This, of course, is just a hypothesis and, it is possible, like all scientific study, that at some point or another, I may be disproven. But, allow me a little latitude to explain what I mean and let's see if you agree with the behavioral study I have undertaken.
For one thing, we (that is, law students) are competitive with each other and, with a few very small exceptions, everyone jealously guards that which they feel will give them the edge over all other law students. Whether that means study guides, late night emails to professors, or outlines from older students, these things are kept to oneself with no regard for anyone else. You think you have an edge? Well, you better keep it away from everyone else. We try to get everyone else to share their secrets with us, all while keeping our secrets close. You know the saying: Keep your friends close, and law students closer. Right? I mean, everyone knows that grades are on a curve and, if you are just able to do better than everyone else, you will get a good grade. So, really, grades aren't testing you against yourself or against the elusive 100% mark, your grade effectively pits you against everyone around you. So, you may be my best friend the rest of the time, but if I have a secret study guide from a student who I know got an A in the class that we are studying for, you're SOL. Friendship, in law school anyway, only goes so far.
We are also all incredibly Type A. We like to be in control of everything, including each other. We are so damn Type A that we Type A each other to death and it is nothing short of exhausting to spend a day in the presence of nothing but other law students. Sometimes, when I get home, I find that I enjoy watching mindless TV (Will and Grace is my fave: more on this later) or reading Cosmo in the bathtub, just to wind down and make my head stop hurting.
Probably the most obnoxious thing of all is that we all think we're right, and we're all already naturally argumentative, comfortable with confrontation and public speaking. So, if we have a silly little thought in our silly little heads, you're bound to hear about it. Also, as a matter of course, you are wrong. We don't generally listen to each other, but continue on in the happy assumption that whatever occurs to us is obviously right. We also like to offer these opinions at inopportune moments, including during class lectures. Every class has a person (or two or fifteen) who, when he (or she) raises his hand, the whole rest of the class cringes. What we don't generally acknowledge to each other is that we really don't want to hear anything that any of our classmates have to say, regardless of whether or not the person saying it is one of the people who induces dramatic eye-rolling with every self-absorbed syllable. When talking to non-law students, we frequently find ourselves frustrated with their lack of legal knowledge. And, after all, as far as we're concerned, legal knowledge is practically the only type of knowledge worth having, so the lack of knowledge is deplorable. (And, in our defense, I guess we SHOULD think that knowledge that we spent $100,000 to procure is somehow important and worth knowing.) We are unjustifiably baffled that there are people who don't know what 10(b)(6) is or what a class called "civil procedures" entails. We, the self-proclaimed enlightened ones, have to explain simple concepts, like that the bar is a two day long, six hour per day process that involves both a multi-state and a state-specific portion, but that we also have to pass the MPRE which tests legal ethics and also pass state-mandated character and fitness requirements. Simple stuff. Obviously. I mean, who DOESN'T know that? And you thought talking to a brick wall was diffcult. But you have a similar experience when you talk to a law student.
As a law student myself, I do feel uniquely situated to discuss law students as a whole. Who better to look in an unbiased way at a group of people to analyze their idiosyncrasies than a person who is a member of that group? I admit, I share some of these qualities: I am inclined to think that my opinion is the right one, and I am certainly incredibly Type A (just take a look at my planner, which goes everywhere with me, and you will know that). I also like to be in control (which means that I am less than stellar at group work of any kind and infinitely prefer to do things my own way). I talk loudly and freely, and sometimes (okay, well, a lot of times) that gets me into trouble. Sometimes I thought that it would behoove me to be more like my best friend/sorority sister/college roommate and just get along with people, to be friendly and easy going and generally hilarious, but, unfortunately, hilarity is not in my nature and neither is permanent friendliness. Sure, I'm easy enough to get along with for the majority of the people in my life, but there is a line that you can never push me past and, once I perceive that I have been slighted, I am not quick to forgive. Am I Mr. Darcy? It sure sounds like it. Hopefully Andy is my Elizabeth (but don't tell him that, he won't take too kindly to being called Elizabeth--only Jack McFarland gets away with stuff like that). Well, we all have flaws. I never said I didn't. But mine are certainly exacerbated by the two and a half years I have spent around nothing but people like myself.
As a demographic, law students are probably some of the most obnoxious and tiresome people on the planet. And the worst part? Many of us have no idea. Trust me, I know: I am a law student.
For one thing, we (that is, law students) are competitive with each other and, with a few very small exceptions, everyone jealously guards that which they feel will give them the edge over all other law students. Whether that means study guides, late night emails to professors, or outlines from older students, these things are kept to oneself with no regard for anyone else. You think you have an edge? Well, you better keep it away from everyone else. We try to get everyone else to share their secrets with us, all while keeping our secrets close. You know the saying: Keep your friends close, and law students closer. Right? I mean, everyone knows that grades are on a curve and, if you are just able to do better than everyone else, you will get a good grade. So, really, grades aren't testing you against yourself or against the elusive 100% mark, your grade effectively pits you against everyone around you. So, you may be my best friend the rest of the time, but if I have a secret study guide from a student who I know got an A in the class that we are studying for, you're SOL. Friendship, in law school anyway, only goes so far.
We are also all incredibly Type A. We like to be in control of everything, including each other. We are so damn Type A that we Type A each other to death and it is nothing short of exhausting to spend a day in the presence of nothing but other law students. Sometimes, when I get home, I find that I enjoy watching mindless TV (Will and Grace is my fave: more on this later) or reading Cosmo in the bathtub, just to wind down and make my head stop hurting.
Probably the most obnoxious thing of all is that we all think we're right, and we're all already naturally argumentative, comfortable with confrontation and public speaking. So, if we have a silly little thought in our silly little heads, you're bound to hear about it. Also, as a matter of course, you are wrong. We don't generally listen to each other, but continue on in the happy assumption that whatever occurs to us is obviously right. We also like to offer these opinions at inopportune moments, including during class lectures. Every class has a person (or two or fifteen) who, when he (or she) raises his hand, the whole rest of the class cringes. What we don't generally acknowledge to each other is that we really don't want to hear anything that any of our classmates have to say, regardless of whether or not the person saying it is one of the people who induces dramatic eye-rolling with every self-absorbed syllable. When talking to non-law students, we frequently find ourselves frustrated with their lack of legal knowledge. And, after all, as far as we're concerned, legal knowledge is practically the only type of knowledge worth having, so the lack of knowledge is deplorable. (And, in our defense, I guess we SHOULD think that knowledge that we spent $100,000 to procure is somehow important and worth knowing.) We are unjustifiably baffled that there are people who don't know what 10(b)(6) is or what a class called "civil procedures" entails. We, the self-proclaimed enlightened ones, have to explain simple concepts, like that the bar is a two day long, six hour per day process that involves both a multi-state and a state-specific portion, but that we also have to pass the MPRE which tests legal ethics and also pass state-mandated character and fitness requirements. Simple stuff. Obviously. I mean, who DOESN'T know that? And you thought talking to a brick wall was diffcult. But you have a similar experience when you talk to a law student.
As a law student myself, I do feel uniquely situated to discuss law students as a whole. Who better to look in an unbiased way at a group of people to analyze their idiosyncrasies than a person who is a member of that group? I admit, I share some of these qualities: I am inclined to think that my opinion is the right one, and I am certainly incredibly Type A (just take a look at my planner, which goes everywhere with me, and you will know that). I also like to be in control (which means that I am less than stellar at group work of any kind and infinitely prefer to do things my own way). I talk loudly and freely, and sometimes (okay, well, a lot of times) that gets me into trouble. Sometimes I thought that it would behoove me to be more like my best friend/sorority sister/college roommate and just get along with people, to be friendly and easy going and generally hilarious, but, unfortunately, hilarity is not in my nature and neither is permanent friendliness. Sure, I'm easy enough to get along with for the majority of the people in my life, but there is a line that you can never push me past and, once I perceive that I have been slighted, I am not quick to forgive. Am I Mr. Darcy? It sure sounds like it. Hopefully Andy is my Elizabeth (but don't tell him that, he won't take too kindly to being called Elizabeth--only Jack McFarland gets away with stuff like that). Well, we all have flaws. I never said I didn't. But mine are certainly exacerbated by the two and a half years I have spent around nothing but people like myself.
As a demographic, law students are probably some of the most obnoxious and tiresome people on the planet. And the worst part? Many of us have no idea. Trust me, I know: I am a law student.
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